Hanging Out with Your Mom’s Boyfriend Is Weird – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder

Nikki Glaser ...

– I’ll be honest, he doesn’t look good in a jersey. – Who, E40? – Yeah. – Shut up, he looks great. – That’s too much– that’s– I worry about myself the very same way wearing a jersey. – Yeah. – You don’t want a belly pushing out a jersey, a jersey’s supposed to be baggy. – Yeah, I thought the same way. I got an Eagles jersey, and my stomach was poking out, I took that shit right off. – It’s over, that’s it, that jersey’s done. – This shit look like a muumuu, I look like a pregnant bitch. – I gotta put a jersey over a hoodie in order to feel decent. – Yeah. – Yeah, you like a fun girlfriend. – Yeah, like I’m staying at my boyfriend’s house, like, what’s up, Daddy? – I go, oh, man, also, his nachos are great. “Bonfire,” Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM 95. I’m Dan Soder, that’s Big Jay Oakerson.

Our guests joining us, welcome back to the show from the podcast “No Need for Apologies,” on the Gas Digital Network, Derek Gaines and Monroe Martin. – Yeah. – Yeah, returning. – Monroe gonna be in Tampa at Side Splitters April 24th through the 26th. So go get tickets for that if you’re in Tampa. – Hell yeah, good to have you back, fellas. – Yeah. – Thank you for having us, man, I appreciate that. – It’s– before we went to break, we were… Dan talking about– we both had single moms growing up for a while. – And my mom had a boyfriend that I fucking hated, and he was a mailman. And it was always like, what a crusty job. – We were just talking about crusty jobs that guys your mom bangs, has to– and… yeah. – Jay’s mom banged a dude that worked at Dee’s Electronic Shop. – Yeah, he worked in an electronics store. – Is it Dee’s or Diesel Electronics, what’d you say? – Dee’s, D-E-E-S. D-E-E-S. – This was decades before the Deez Nuts. – Talking ’bout deez nuts. – Yeah. – Yeah, it looked like Deez– yeah, that’s how it was spelled. – That’s how he got Jay’s mom.

He goes, “I work at Dee’s.” And she goes, “Where– what’s Dee’s?” He goes, “Dee’s nuts!” – Yeah, he goes, “Did you ever actually see the electronics store?” – That’s pretty crazy. – She goes, you know what, I’mma come by for a power strip. – My mom dated a radio DJ from B101.1, who used to like– so I come home from school and I’d go listen, he’d be like, “This is going out to Jason, it’s ‘Thriller,’ Michael Jackson.” – Jason, please stay in the backyard. – I think I remember B101. – Yeah. – Yeah, I remember that. What was his name, are you allowed to say it, or…? – Yeah, JR, but it was not even that. – It was Tomcat. – Tomcat. No, but this is like ’80s when he did it. I was a little kid and like, my mom…

And then he moved to D.C. to be a DJ, and then we drove down there a few times. I’d sleep on the couch while he boned my mom, I think. – Damn, he didn’t even put you up in a hotel, get you a room? – Well, I was a child. I can’t go be in a room by myself.

– I’ll be honest, he doesn’t look good in a jersey. – Who, E40? – Yeah. – Shut up, he looks great. – That’s too much– that’s– I worry about myself the very same way wearing a jersey. – Yeah. – You don’t want a belly pushing out a jersey, a jersey’s supposed to be baggy. – Yeah, I thought the same way. I got an Eagles jersey, and my stomach was poking out, I took that shit right off. – It’s over, that’s it, that jersey’s done. – This shit look like a muumuu, I look like a pregnant bitch. – I gotta put a jersey over a hoodie in order to feel decent. – Yeah. – Yeah, you like a fun girlfriend. – Yeah, like I’m staying at my boyfriend’s house, like, what’s up, Daddy? – I go, oh, man, also, his nachos are great. “Bonfire,” Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM 95. I’m Dan Soder, that’s Big Jay Oakerson.

Our guests joining us, welcome back to the show from the podcast “No Need for Apologies,” on the Gas Digital Network, Derek Gaines and Monroe Martin. – Yeah. – Yeah, returning. – Monroe gonna be in Tampa at Side Splitters April 24th through the 26th. So go get tickets for that if you’re in Tampa. – Hell yeah, good to have you back, fellas. – Yeah. – Thank you for having us, man, I appreciate that. – It’s– before we went to break, we were… Dan talking about– we both had single moms growing up for a while. – And my mom had a boyfriend that I fucking hated, and he was a mailman. And it was always like, what a crusty job. – We were just talking about crusty jobs that guys your mom bangs, has to– and… yeah. – Jay’s mom banged a dude that worked at Dee’s Electronic Shop. – Yeah, he worked in an electronics store. – Is it Dee’s or Diesel Electronics, what’d you say? – Dee’s, D-E-E-S. D-E-E-S. – This was decades before the Deez Nuts. – Talking ’bout deez nuts. – Yeah. – Yeah, it looked like Deez– yeah, that’s how it was spelled. – That’s how he got Jay’s mom.

He goes, “I work at Dee’s.” And she goes, “Where– what’s Dee’s?” He goes, “Dee’s nuts!” – Yeah, he goes, “Did you ever actually see the electronics store?” – That’s pretty crazy. – She goes, you know what, I’mma come by for a power strip. – My mom dated a radio DJ from B101.1, who used to like– so I come home from school and I’d go listen, he’d be like, “This is going out to Jason, it’s ‘Thriller,’ Michael Jackson.” – Jason, please stay in the backyard. – I think I remember B101. – Yeah. – Yeah, I remember that. What was his name, are you allowed to say it, or…? – Yeah, JR, but it was not even that. – It was Tomcat. – Tomcat. No, but this is like ’80s when he did it. I was a little kid and like, my mom…

And then he moved to D.C. to be a DJ, and then we drove down there a few times. I’d sleep on the couch while he boned my mom, I think. – Damn, he didn’t even put you up in a hotel, get you a room? – Well, I was a child. I can’t go be in a room by myself.

We’d go to his apartment, he had a one-bedroom apartment, and I’d be up there– by the way, my mom knew– my mom, we had nothing. So when I’d go to his– I was like, Mom, I don’t care if he gang-bangs you with the entire station, this guy has cable, it’s a big deal. – That’s pretty wild. – Yo, cable was the shit. – My mom dated a weed dealer, but in the ’90s, so it was still really illegal. – Yeah! – So you’d wear a lot of like bright purple shit? – No, listen, peep game, peep game, peep game. Like my mom told me like, maybe four Christmases ago, she was like, “You remember the Chevy?” I was like, I remember the gray Chevy. T-Man’s ass used it to go pick up some shit one time, but it wound up being a sting.

I mean, there was guns all around the car, but your dumbass stayed sleep through the whole thing. And I was praying that you stayed sleep and you woke up– we woke up in holding, and you just didn’t understand why we was in a prison cell. I was like, that was what that was? – You just thought you were waking up in a weird room? – Yeah, ’cause no, like, my mom told me they was trying to search me, they was trying to search the car and they had like rifles to the car… – Just in case you were armed, right? You gotta put the gun on the baby. – That’s so funny. You know one racist-ass Philly cop was like, “I got the black kid.” Like, they did a quick game of Rock Paper Scissors, they’re like

He goes, “All right, I get the black kid.” – There’s always one guy tells the story, though, he goes, “Yeah, but the one time you don’t hold the gun on that baby, that baby shoots you.” – And you know what happened? That kid’s got a gun, and your fucking partner’s fucking dead. – Officer Johnson got shot five times by little Malik. – You guys remember my friend Carl? He’s fucking dead, ’cause the fucking baby had a gun. – I don’t care if you’re doing it in the inner city or down by the water, you gotta always keep your gun drawn on the baby. – But shout-out to my mom. She didn’t let ’em touch me. – That’s great, that is… but also, ’90s weed dealer, way cooler than like… Yeah, that’s a cool job. – Well, I don’t know if 2000’s drug dealer would have a whole fucking sting operation based around a weed dealer now.

It’s too small of a get. You wouldn’t have fucking machine guns drawn and rifles in a weed sting now. – He used to drive a cherry red Audi too, man. Like it was– he was T-man in North Philly.

This motherfucker was like, nice. – Did he ever take you like shopping for shit? – Always, I was the stepson. It got all to the way, I’m like, oh, he love my mom, ’cause this nigga got me a basketball court one Christmas. I was like– the one you gotta put in the cement. – The sand, yeah. – He put– I said, oh, shit! – Dude, my stepdad Nick did that and then my mom ran him off. He got me an adjustable hoop. – Did he put it in cement or sand? – It was… – Cement, I’ll tell you what, that person loves you, that’s very metaphorical. – Nick did cement. – “I’m gonna be here.” – I think it was cement. – Nick did cement out… – Yep. – And we had like a tiny slanted driveway, so there was no need to have a basketball hoop there. – Was it right before they were leaving, by the way? ‘Cause that seems like present you give before you leave. He goes, this basketball court is cemented in.

It’s always gonna be here, I’m not. – Within the year… – I gotta split. – Within the year, he was gone. – Yeah. – Within the year. He got that, he laid that— and by the way… – He laid the pipe, literally. – I mean, he definitely did. – He went from playing Horse to practicing foul shots alone. – Dude, or just having a real good close-up because of how the driveway was slanted where the basketball… The best part was, I was like, I want an adjustable hoop, ’cause those just came out. – The joints you gotta crank. – Where you crank it up or crank it down. – Yeah, yeah, yeah. – As a white kid, eventually, you’d be able to jam, that was huge. – That was huge. – Oh, it was huge. – But an adjustable, dunk contest, it was like impromptu dunk contest, drop a little bit. – Come on, how fun would that be? – Yeah. – So guess what.

They did get me an adjustable hoop. But you had to fucking bolt it and move it. It was like a heavy-ass… – So it’s terrifying. – That shit’ll smash your head, I know what you talking ’bout. – Dude, we never adjusted it. – If that thing caught your fingers on the slide down. – You don’t understand.

You had to unbolt it, and then move it, and then bolt it back in, like it wasn’t like a… – That was like a five-person job. – Yeah, there was kids I knew that had the ones where you can just put a broom and you’re like, do you guys wanna do that or…? – I think the idea, though, for the adjustable, is you’re supposed to be able to lay ’em down, though. – Really? – There’s like a tire on the back of ’em, if you notice, so you can… – No, he put that shit in concrete. – Oh, he buried it into the ground in concrete? – Yeah, yeah. – I thought you meant pour concrete into the… – No, bro. – Some people pour concrete into that base. – No, I’m here… – Drill the hole. – Hold it steady while I… – That’s what I did! – Hold it– nigga, that’s what it was! – Yeah, no. I’m saying Nick, around the fucking pipe. – Only-child suburb, bro. – Yeah. Dude, and it’s so funny that you had that, because then we got to high school and my friends just became rowdy. And so we’d just start dunking on it after school, you know, ’cause it wasn’t… and then… – That shit broke. – Dude, the hoop came down. – That shit always happens. – And the hoop came down.

And then there was just a… – Nick ain’t nowhere to be found. – No, there was just a broke pole in the front of our house. – Did you tie like, a milk crate to it? – No. – If you take a bunch of shoe strings and zip ties, you can fucking like, put a milk crate on it. – That’s that foster kid shit right there. – Hell yeah. – That’s some fucking Ecuadorian shit. – For real. – My boy’s MacGyver. There you go, boy. – He goes, you get a peach basket. That’s actually a fun thing, that’s what Dr.

James Nesmith worked… – The house where… where I lived with my ex-wife– they still live there, my ex-wife and daughter. – Yeah. – And out back, there is an old crusty basketball court that was like from before they lived there. – Sure. – It was just in, ’cause it was Carla’s mom’s house anyway. Like, no one cared about this hoop, it was just out there. Me and Isabella, me and my daughter would go out there and shoot around all the time on this thing. And it was like– I mean, it was rusted and all kinds of shit. – Wow. – And then Hurricane Sandy, also, it was like underwater for a while, so it was– the metal was all destroyed. First time Christine ever– new girlfriend coming over to the ex-wife’s house for a holiday.

It’s like, the first one’s a little awkward too, and… – Yeah. – And she goes… Isabella wanted to go out back and hang out with Christine. And she’s like, “You wanna come like shoot…” – Smoke some weed? – Isabella’s pretty young. You wanna come smoke some weed? – Come smoke? – She goes, “You wanna come outside?” And I think like the first or second shot they threw up with the basketball, the metal snapped in half on the middle of the pole and started falling down on Isabella, and she’s like, I’m the new girlfriend, I show up and murder their daughter on the first day. Christine like threw her body, like, charged into the basket. – I like screamed and ran to Isabella. – That’s so funny. – You’re not dying on my watch. – Hold my spot! – Just the first shot… – I will protect this house! – No! – Goes, I’ll give it a little bit of a shot.

You go, yeah. He goes, kang… I mean, it came down. – It broke at the bottom.

It was all rusted at the bottom, the whole thing came down. – And by the way, you just hear the metal breaking, it goes, “eeee…” and then snaps. – It was symbolic, it was like, this relationship is over. – Yeah, no shit. – Kill the daughter. – You’ll never shoot baskets with your daughter again. – You guys will never do this again. How did it end with T? When did he leave? – They just broke up. – They just broke up? Have you ever– have you looked him up ever? – Yeah, he’s cool.

He sells me weed now. – Really? – Does he? – Yeah. Yeah, he’s cool. – He’s an old drug dealer? Aw, he should be ashamed. – Yeah. – Old dogs, dude. – I know, but– – I didn’t picture your mom was like, a date-a-weed-dealer guy. – No, that was like back in the day. – ‘Cause your parents like– your mom’s like church lady. – But you find church. – That was before… – Ah, that’s what led to church. – You don’t start off with church, you find church. – Yeah, you gotta led to church. – We started going to church when I was like, I guess 11, 12, you know. – Dude, Fenoya had a thing in his life like that, where one day his dad– I think his dad was not drinking, and then like, it goes right from that to like, Lord, the Lord real quick, right now, a lot of it, yeah, it’s a real switch-around. – My aunt was addicted to crack in the mid ’80s. – Okay. – That was the time, man. – That’s when it was good. – Went to Jehovah’s Witness. – Oh, I thought you were gonna say, he goes, never found religion, died. – Yeah. She died, but it wasn’t ’cause of that.

She became a Jehovah’s Witness and then just… – She died going door to door praising the word? – She got shot by a crackhead. Pretty ironic. No, she… – Basketball hoop fell on her head. – She quit. – She died, heroin overdose. – Yeah, she actually like quit using being a Jehovah’s Witness, but then wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness and would like drink, but then would sometimes be like, you know I don’t celebrate birthdays. And I’m like, what the fuck? – Yeah, on your birthday, that’s really convenient.

I bet she comes around on her birthday like, hey! – She showed up– my mom– ’cause that was the aunt I lived with in Alaska, and she showed up. Like my mom sent me a birthday gift that was just like this– I was like 19 and she sent me all this candy. I’m like, why are you sending me candy?

My aunt was like, I don’t usually buy birthday presents, but here’s a hoodie and a carton of smokes. And I was like, good job, Aunt Karen. – Yeah, she knew that candy was some bullshit. – Yeah, she came through with fucking cigarettes. I was like, all right! Adult candy. – Oh!

She just called it… – Yeah. – …candy, but it was cigarettes. – Yeah, yeah, she got– My mom got me actual candy. And my aunt was like, this is ridiculous. Here’s smokes and a fucking good sweatshirt for when you’re working on the docks. – I think I asked you… – Oh, yeah. – I think I asked you the other day about foster parents, and I was like, were any of them like, just great, like the shit?

And you were like, no, not really. – Not really. Like the ones who were great… I will take that back. The ones who were great were the ones who like, taught me how to be independent.

They were like– like Miss Pearl, she was like old woman, chain smoker. Like she smoked at least a half a carton of cigarettes a day. – Crazy! – How old was she? – She was like late 60s. She had a dog named Fifi. You sorta gotta love Fifi.

She was like a mutt but mixed with, um… German Shepherd. – Oh, wow. – She used to just sit there and smoke cigarettes, and Fifi would just be right next to her inhaling that shit. – Dude… – And she had like a little green Camry that horn sound like it smoked cigarettes too, like when she hit it, like… (mimics horn honking) All right, so like she would like take me to go get sneakers and shit. And like somebody’d be in the way, she’d be like, meeeh, and they’d look at the car like, what the fuck is that? – Yeah. – That’s really funny. – Dude, she was great.

But she ended up getting like a smaller kid and then she was like, look, I can’t help both of you. You’re old, you’ll figure it out. And I was like, all right. – Damn! – She took me to Six Flags for the first time, and that was the last time I was in the house. Like she took me to Six Flags. I was on every ride, even the ones that you pay for.

You know, that shit that like swings back and forth. We’re buying food. – Oh, wow. – You know, black people don’t fuck with park food. They bring their own shit. They have fun and go back to the parking lot. – Always go back to the car. – Yeah, she’s like, all right, let’s go back to the parking… – The stamp that’s in the black light shit… – Yeah. – Go eat at the car, turn the music up. – She bought park food like multiple times. I’m like, this is the greatest night of my life.

Right, we stayed till the park closed. – That might not be racial as much as a financial thing ’cause I remember a lot of times at a water park or an amusement park… – Yeah. – …going back out to the car to coolers that were packed, yeah, sandwiches and coolers, yeah. – Booze and sandwiches and coolers. – A good trip to Wawa. Load up a few Wawa sandwiches. – Nah, fuck that. We was eating overpriced… – Oh, I had Ziploc bags of bologna sandwiches in the coolers. – Yeah. – I still remember what the cooler looked like. – The red cooler that… – With the handle.

Yeah, that you pulled down. – Oh, no, we’d get the actual disposable like Styrofoams that you were gonna leave there when it’s over. Just kick ’em apart and let the ice– – Just stomp ’em out. My aunt liked that shit, too. – When you basically got Peyton Manning-ed, they were like, you are a franchise quarterback. Thank you for all your work.

We’ve got a… We’ve got a new guy right here, Andrew Luck, so… – (mimics crowd cheering) – …we’re gonna have to let you go. God bless you. – I mean, there’s so many movies and stories of like foster care being some amazing story of like… – I’m working on something. I’m working on changing narrative a little bit. – Yeah, yeah. – Yeah, just feel like it ain’t sweet like that, all right? – Was there, um, was there a guy that– was there a foster family that you had that the dude had a crusty job that you didn’t like, that you were like, I’m glad you fucking…? – Uh, I– Most of my foster– I only had two foster dads, fought both of ’em. – Okay, what’s your record? – Yeah, I… – 1-1? – One I won. The other one, they jumped me. – What? – Yeah. – How does a foster dad…? – He jumped me with his brother. – How do you foster children and then he’s like, listen, you know that kid I’m taking care of? – See, I was teaching him… – You remember that kid that’s got a tough life? – …independence. – He goes, he goes, he’s talking to his brother, he goes, what are you doing this afternoon?

Wanna come over and teach young Monroe a lesson? He goes, he’s gonna come up. I’m gonna go for a hug.

You need to come in fucking hand in the face. – I went to the Superman, punched him right off the steps. – Why did they jump you? – Okay, it’s a long story. – I mean… – Do we got time? – Yes. – All right, so they just bought a new house, they moved into a new house, him, his wife, he had like two kids, whatever. And they gave me this bullshit-ass curfew in the summertime. And the curfew was like, you need to be home at like 10:00.

And I’m like, it’s the fuckin’ summer. Like, no. – Yeah. – And how old are you? – I’m like 16, going on 17 at the time. – 16, 10:00, that’s early. – Yeah. – That’s fucking early! – That’s crazy, though. – And I don’t have no– They never gave me bus fare or anything, and in Philly, I walked everywhere. So you know where Rising Sun Avenue is? – Mm-hmm. – So they lived on Rising Sun Avenue.

I hung out by Broad and Olney. So I would walk all the way home. I got home… – That’s fuckin’– I remember how far that is. – Yeah. That’s a long-ass walk. – That’s a long-ass… – Sort of scary walk, too. – What’s your calves like? You got good calves?

I feel like you got strong calves. – I got lazy living in New York. Now I just get on the train, but I used to walk everywhere. Fuckin’– Yeah, these legs were strong, y’all. – Oh, dude, you could probably eat whatever you wanted. – Monroe is like Tyrese just walking and singing with headphones on. (all vocalizing) – ♪ Always Coca-Cola, yeah ♪ Right? No, it’s for a commercial. – No, it was always Coca-Cola. – Yeah, he got all that he got from a Coke commercial, singing on a bus like a fuckhead, like that… – Swingin’ that dick. – And by the way, if that’s a real-life thing he’s doing that on the bus, I’d fuckin’ hate him. – Yeah, man, like when they do it now, they do it on the train now, especially on the L train.

That’s the train of opportunity. – Oh, yeah. – That’s why he’s making… now if that guy gets punched in the face en route. – ♪ Always Coca– ♪ Shut the fuck up. – You know what’s funny? When I used to film that goofy show MTV, “Broke A$$ Game Show,” they’d pull up and just start, do the thing that we did! And they start rapping and singing right next to me, like on a cut just to get like, this is not your shot. – Just ruining shots? – So great. – It’s just like, what are you doing, man? Stop, bruh. – That’s go great. – Singing, dancing. – Like you’re gonna be like this, cut, who are you? – Yeah. – I need to work with you. – All that shit, they just… – Yeah. – Especially in Union Square, man, it’s just like, this could be my– i– it’s desperation. – It’s that old story where they think like… That’s how you know they never even been a little bit in the entertainment industry.

Not even sing, they yell real loud. Well, those are always model stories. Models are like, I was 12 and I was walking through the mall. And an old man gave me a million-dollar contract to go to Spain. It’s like an old pervert saw you in public and was like, I’m gonna fly you to Europe. – Uh-huh, where it’s legal to fuck kids. – I wanna make your parents…

Yeah, I wanna make your parents cool with this by calling you a model. – So you had a 10:00 curfew… – 10:00 curfew, got there probably like 11:30, 12:00. They locked me outside. – Damn. – But I got there, I was knocking on the door, and I watched them shut the lights off one by one in the house, right? You watch the downstairs lights go off, so I walk around back, you see those lights go off.

And then like, you just see the upstairs lights go off. So I started– I like bang on the door, kick the door. And then I just go in the backyard and just hang out.

And then I just get like, angry, right? I just get angry and I fucking– They have above-ground pool, and I didn’t mean to, but I kicked the fuckin’ pump of the pool. – Yeah. – And all the water just starts spilling out onto the fucking yard. – Did you immediately go from like super angry to super like fuck? – Of course. – I ran! I fuckin’ ran! – You’re just so mad, you’re like, man, fuck this stupid pool. – Ooh, ooh, ooh… – I like was trying to fuckin’… – It’s making like weird, a lot of water coming out noise. So it’s like… (mimics water flowing) – Get your clothes all wet. – It’s pouring. – It’s pool filtering out of a hole so you can’t even like– You’re trying to hold the nylon back up and fight nature. But there’s nothing you can possibly do.

You couldn’t chew enough gum to plug that hole. – Just see him… (laughter) – You about to float down the street. – Two packs of Juicy Fruit, right? – Dude, that’s so funny. – I panicked. I fuckin’ like ran. And if you know Rising Sun, it’s like close to being the suburbs. It’s very quiet and shit. It’s on…

So I’m like booking it down the street. And I get like far enough by the Forman Mills and I’m like, all right, fuck, I’m good. I’mma just like walk back to my friend’s house. A gray minivan pulls up.

They both– It stops. They both jump out and proceed to kick the shit out of me. Like I’m fighting back. I get like one good hit in.

Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder ...

And I’m like bouncing… – Did they– how are you– – Yeah, I’m like, like yeah. (mimics punching sounds) – You’re like, hi, Mr. Marcus, I’m really sorry, but like– Did you think there was a chance he was gonna like…? – No, they jumped out and started. – So squared up. They came out like… – Yeah, it wasn’t no words. – And you’re like… – Wow. – It wasn’t no words or anything. – He goes, you know how hard I worked for that pool? – How’s that legal? – It’s not. (laughter) Is it in the contract? All right, so you can beat this kid’s ass twice a year. – Did the sliding door open and his brother got out or…? – Uh, he– So, yes.

The sliding door– No, it wasn’t a sliding door. They both jumped out of– He jumped out of the passenger’s seat and then he stopped the car in the middle of the street. And then he jumped out. And then like my dumb ass should’ve just ran. – Yeah. – But like I see them coming towards me, and I knew I can take the dad.

Like I got enough rage in me to be like, at least I can take the dad. But his brother was quick. – Yeah. (laughter) Getting those jabs in. – His brother was quick. – Man, imagine… – So I got like one good hit in, but they set fire to my ass. – Really? – And then I called my mom. Here’s the fucked-up thing.

Like me and my mom are cool, but I call my mom from a pay phone, a collect call, right? A collect call, call my mom. And me and my mom, like my mom never really had her life together.

She was like living in a room at this time. She was like, come to me, I’ll take care of you. Blah-blah-blah, and I go and like I stay with her next day. And then she calls Child Services and puts me back in foster care so she doesn’t get in trouble. – Jesus. – Wow! – But never back to that guy.

Never back to that guy. – Never, never went back. But they didn’t press charges or nothing. So it was– nothing really happened. – Did you get your stuff back from them? Like how did that…? – Uh, yeah, but my social worker went and grabbed it. And they like, they just took– they just basically handed them what they wanted to. ‘Cause they like bought me stuff here and there.

But they would just throw like whatever… – Did you feel like you had a social worker that really gave a shit about you, like Precious? – Absolutely not. – Not Precious. – I don’t want this to get dark. First social worker killed herself. – Jesus! – Okay, okay. – You think it was your fault? (laughter) – Jay was like, was it because your grades weren’t good? – Yeah. – Because ev– Because all your foster families were fighting you? – I failed social studies. And she was like, I can’t– I can’t– – Dude, that’s so funny. – That’s horrible. – Yeah, you go, all right. I don’t care about the War of 1812.

And she goes… – You don’t?! You don’t?! – Yeah, yeah. Well, care now, care now! History repeats itself. – (mimics gunshot) – You’re like, oh, fuck!

Oh, God, oh, God, Miss Chelsea! It’s just like blood splattered. “Miss Chelsea!” – Yeah. – Fuck with mine. – Trying to piece it back together like I’m really good at puzzles. – Yeah, she goes, here’s motivation. – So, wait, So that was the first one. – This was the first one, but I was young. – How did they tell you? – So what ended up happening is my mom ended up telling me. – Okay. – ‘Cause I was like– I forgot her name. I think her name started with a “D,” and I was like, whatever happened to that lady? And she was like, oh, she ended up committing suicide.

I’m like, what?! – Damn! – And my mom actually liked her. So then I had another social worker, this African dude who was always on vacation. He only showed up… – Just voicemails? Help!

He’s like, boop, eh, you have reached my cell phone. I am gone again. And he goes, I need help!

I’m in the fucking system! – You think the social worker had that thing, it was, (mimics African accent) “Hello?” – Hello? – “I’m just kidding. It’s not me. Leave a message, though.” – Yeah. (mimics African accent) “You know what to do.” – You’re like, I’m being beaten to death by my foster parents. Oh, he’s fuckin’… It’s a message.

It’s a machine. – I was just in a handicap match with my fuckin’ foster dad and his brother, and he goes, you know what to do. (laughter) You hear the beep? Lay down the street. It’s just like some fun thing that you‘re calling.

Like, fuckin’ help me! – (vocalizing) (laughter) – He does the– George… He goes… ♪ Believe it or not ♪ ♪ Ah, George isn’t at home ♪ Does the whole Costanza. So you– So the second guy was always on vacation. – Second guy was always on vacation. Only showed up when there was like court. ‘Cause you gotta go to a family court and check in and all that stuff. – Yeah. – And they’ll check the progress of the kids and then the mom and see if they’re ready for a reunification and all that shit. And he’d only show up when it was that time. – Okay. – But I wouldn’t see him any other time.

And that’s like your agent. – Yeah. – Like your fuckin’ social worker is like your agent. He’s supposed to take you out to lunch and shit. – Were you with a family that you liked at that point? Or were you with a shitty family so then you were like…? – I was with a shitty family.

Like the mom was always cool. It was the dad. He had like this, like this– I was always tall. – Yeah. – Like once I hit like, I wanna say like the end of ninth grade going into tenth, I just shot up and I just got like bigger.

And then most of my foster parents seen that as like, oh, you’re a man. – By the way, what a great like comedy origin story ’cause me, you, and Derek are– we’re hacks in the world of comedy at this point. Single mom, everybody gets it. – Yeah, no one liked your mom. – Your mom. You needed more of a male figure, blah-blah-blah, all that, fuckin’ morose. Scrappin’ with foster parents. – But it’s like even in group homes, like you fight most of the staff there because they’re like slamming kids on their heads. – Jesus. – Like for real.

Like all the holds that cops do that were outlawed… – I think that was Mike Vecchione’s job at one point. – Dude, I swear to God… – Me and Mike talked about it. – It was. – He was like, did you ever get put in an illegal choke hold? I was like, all the time. – Are there legal choke holds? – Dude, Monroe’s in there? – Yeah, you used to put ’em in– Like you gotta put ’em– You gotta do holds that don’t involve the neck. – Gotcha. – So but they would put ’em in like full nelsons, half nelsons… – Dude, your Brazil– your jujitsu must’ve been off the charts. – Yeah, your jits is tight. – You go, good luck getting a Kimura on Monroe. – Training out of group home in Folcroft, Pennsylvania… – Dude, they… – You learn how to roll quick… – Monroe does have a foster child’s jab. He has a foster kid’s jab.

He’s quick as shit. I’ve seen him like tested like… Where the fuck did that come from? You burly, nigga.

That shit– That shit was too fast. – It’s a don’t-touch-my-shit punch. – Remember we was at the movie theater and y’all was– fuck, that fight that was about to happen. I was like, damn, Monroe is kinda fast, though. – It’s those jabs. He goes, that’s my toothpaste! (laughter) – But yeah, Vecchione always looked like– I’ve seen kids get slammed on their head, slammed on their face. – He hated it. – Vecchione left because he didn’t like that, yeah. Vecchione was like, it was fuckin‘ crazy. – He told me that he would– What’s funny is whenever I’m watching wrestling, Vecchione goes, you know, when those kids were good, I’d let ’em watch Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I was like, how old are you? – When the kids were good, I let them watch… We were kids for Stone Cold Steve Austin, you weirdo. – Yeah, but he– yeah, he was like right outta college. – Yeah. – Right outta Penn State.

That’s what he did. – He worked at one– I think he worked at Glen Mills. – Okay. – I think he– I was– I was close to being sent there, but that’s like the worst one you can go to. You know Glen Mills. – Yeah. – That’s like the worst one. So if Mike was working there… – So if you came up through Glen Mills group home, you like fuckin’– you could fight. – You either going to jail— Like if you make it, if you make something out of yourself, you’re an anomaly. – Yeah. – Like most kids there end up like homeless in jail and shit. – Jesus. – Because that‘s like… – Successful athletes. – Yeah. Or successful athletes, yeah. – Probably is like Last Chance U. – Yeah, it’s– it’s rough. – So your second– your second social worker was an African dude that was always on vacation. – Yeah, and I had him until– – Was there a third one? – No, I just had him until I aged out.

But I learned how to like navigate around him ’cause I started going to like after-school programs that had like, uh, they called themself coaches but they were like, mentors and stuff that like helped you get into certain programs. And that’s what I ended up doing. – They called them mentors. They were pedophiles. – They were– yeah. (laughter) You know, they would help you out for a fee. – But it’s so funny, it’s so funny that you say like, you know, you got tall and all of a sudden, the fuckin’ help stopped because that’s just the entire premise of “The Blind Side”, is her being like… (mimics Southern accent) “Hey, you’re a big black guy. Sports.” (laughter) And it’s like, “And his life was okay.” – You want CTE? – Yeah.

You wanna get brain damage and take your life in a parking garage? – But it’s probably too the more of a man you look like, though, the more people are probably nervous to have like a strange– Now you’re a stranger in their home, not a kid we’re fostering. – Absolutely. ‘Cause everything is elevated, like… – You’re like, you could beat the shit out of my– You can kill my wife when I’m at work. People get weird like that. – Or you can take my son’s AAU team to the top. – Yeah, or you can fuck my wife while I film it and masturbate to it. – Then he goes, what was that, Mr. Steve? He goes, what were you saying? – He’s recruiting foster kids to fuck his wife on film. – Then he goes, what were you saying? – Everybody likes a little aged wine. (laughter) – Wow. Welcome to your new home, Monroe.

He’s like swirling… Welcome. – He goes, Fridays are– Fridays are key parties. And he goes, you’ll notice some of the people.

Did you– Have you ever looked up the guy you fought? – No. – Do you know his name? – I know his name, but I never looked him up. – Can we take a break and we’ll look him up off-air? – Yeah, we should take a break. – I mean, yeah, you can. – We gotta take a break. And I feel like we gotta look him up ’cause then we gotta see who– I wouldn’t– I wouldn’t be surprised if he could beat my ass, you know? – Yeah, yeah. – I wanna find him and his brother. – Yeah. – I wanna find him and his brother. – Especially if they just got out. – Yeah. – They hopped outta that… – Dude just hopped out of the van. What did he look like? – Are we still on the air? – Yeah. – I don’t wanna describe it ‘cause I know that they follow me, I just feel it. – Okay, all right. Well, we’ll talk about it on…

We’ll bring ’em up off-air. – Oh, yeah, also Hard Corey behind you, in the Illuminati, so keep an eye ’cause he’s always watching. – Derek Gaines and Monroe Martin hanging out. “No Need for Apologies” on Gas Digital Network. Monroe gonna be at Side Splitters in Tampa April 23rd through the 26th. – Um, I’ll be in Vancouver this weekend. – All right. – At the House of Comedy. – Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s a new club they opened up.

I hear it’s great. – Vancouver, House of Comedy. – Yeah, this weekend. – Derek Gaines, this weekend. DerekGaines.com? – Uh, no, what is it? Just on Instagram, TheGreatBoy. – TheGreatBoy, @TheGreatBoy on Instagram. Big Jay gonna be heading out to the “You Gotta Want It” Tour kicking off this weekend in Charlotte, North Carolina with dates coming up in Connecticut, Minneapolis, Long Island, D.C., Vancouver, and Edmonton. Get tickets at BigJayComedy.com.

If you got nothing to do tonight, 9:00 p.m. The Stand, “The Worst.” – Well, it’s sold out. – Okay, well, go fuck yourself. – So if you have nothing to do tonight, that’s your fuckin’ fault. – Fuck you. You fucked up. You messed up, you stupid fuck. – Dan Soder’s on tour in 2020 with dates in Boston, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Denver, and Washington, D.C., plus many more. For tickets and all other tour dates, go to DanSoder.com.

And also check out the special “Son of a Gary” available now on HBO, and I guess wherever you download stuff, probably. – Wherever the fuck you want. – “Son of a Gary.” “Son of a Gary.” We’ll be right back. We’re hanging out with Derek and Monroe. It’s “The Bonfire.” (fire crackling) Yeah, I wanted to ask about Black Lou’s– it simply sai– this seems like one of those things that Jacob overheard and then puts it on a piece of paper– – Without checking with Black Lou? – Without checking, to attack.

It says, “Black Lou’s ex-girlfriend…” Can I read the quote? – Yeah, I mean, she wasn’t an ex-girlfriend, but go ahead, yeah. – “Eats…” Well, that’s what I would say now. “Black Lou’s ex-girlfriend eats through lap band surgery.” Now, does that mean she ate until the lap band broke, or did she actually just say fuck it and start eating her own body? – She ate until the lap band broke. A– after saying fuck it. – Damn, bruh! – What’s that gotta be like when you’re just like, you have that surgery– that’s like an extensive– – Maybe I don’t know how the surgery works, but it feels like if you eat through it, you won’t eat through it, I feel like you’ll get like, two stomachs then because in the middle of it, it’s gonna be like a rubber band. – Until it pops, and then you go, hold on… ride it out. – And then you start seeing like lettuce come behind your eyes and shit, just in your body at that point. – They tell you that you’ll start to throw up. – And that’s what she did? – And she pushed through it. – Why? What happened? – I don’t know. – Because I think those people that’re, you know, when you’re obese and you have that, I think you’re used to eating a certain amount of food, and then when that’s restricted you’re kinda like, nah, I can go more. – That’s a waste of money. – If you can get over yourself, how you look, and you don’t give a fuck anymore about getting laid in either direction, you could just f– she said fuck it, right?

She was like, I’m gonna eat through this. – Oh, she called it? She was like, watch me eat through this? The doctor’s like, “Please don’t say that in my office.” – How old is she? – Now? She, I would say, is 31. – Whoa, dude! That’s cr– I swear to you, I thought you were gonna say she was a bit older, and I was like, she just kinda said fuck it and gave up.

31? You could still have like… – Yeah. – You only have to a certain point. – That’s gross. (laughter) – Wait, is that still currently your woman? – No, no, no. – All right, we can trash her. – No, Lou’s a married man. – Man, did you– did she start to lose weight with the lap band? – She did it for a little bit, and was happy with her, I guess, how she looked mentally, and then that was it. She was like, all right, I’m good. – She’s like, I touched the top, here we go. – I touched backboard!

That’s what happened. She touched backboard in life. – She goes, I got the rim! I got rim! And now she’s like… – Everyone says to be secure in your looks, but there’s a danger of being too secure in your looks if you’re not seeing the right thing. – Was she getting more play as a big woman? Because that could’ve been— – Not that I saw. – Just stuffing her face, listening to the Lizzo album. (laughter) – I gotta get those fat tits back. – ♪ I like my gravy ♪ (laughter) – Cutting the ass– – She’s like, thank you. – Cutting the ass out of your long t-shirts. – Dude, I bet fucki– – I’d be so mad.

You fuckin’ up all my good tees. – I bet Lizzo was like, a conk show for a lot of fat girls to get big again where she was like… (makes horn sound) (overlapping chatter) (makes munching sound) – She’s like, you know what? Cankles are in! – I’m goin’ back to eating Slimer style. (making munching sounds) – She’s gonna be a bad example too, ’cause if she wants to, Lizzo, just for the money and whatever, she can get the most muscular, fuckin’ in-shape lookin’ guy she wants right now… – Lizzo play the flute… – As big as she is, she’s still takedown-able. – …she hypnotizes fat bitches that need– – (making flute noises) – She’s still takedown-able. Like you see that and you go, all right, keep that hair right there. – Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you’re saying, for sure. – Keep the hair right there. – Keep your hair right there. Oh, yeah. – Lizzo’s a beautiful big woman. – She’s a beautiful– she’s literally a BBW, she’s a beautiful, big woman. – Yep. – Big ol’, big ol’– – She’s a Craigslist 15. – Oh, my God. – Look at that, look.

You wouldn’t have fun with that? – Yeah, I’d be like… – She’s fun! – Dan’s fun! – Dude, I would love to have sex with a beautiful love sack. (laughter) – Yeah, but just think– but, like, I’ll tell you what, like she’s got weirdly– she doesn’t have good titties for a big girl, though. – Is this her? – She’s not supposed to be that big, you can tell in the frame of that. – Oh, ’cause of th– yeah. – Titties– now, if she had big, crazy titties on that body, it’d be even more– you’re like, I guess, sure. – But where is she fuckin’ just putting her coochie on… – Me and her have the same legs. That bums me out. – Does she? – We have similar long calves. – You got Lizzo legs? – I got Lizzo calves, dude. Jacked. – I got Lizzo calves. – Where was she? Where was this video taken? – She just put it on her own Instagram. – She just put it all out, yeah. – She just be postin’ stuff of her naked and stuff, man. – But that’s… not sanitary. – Black Lou– – That girl big and like being naked. – She just got her pussy just on a random couch? – She a big, naked lady. – Yeah, we were on– we were on the set together on “Hustlers” the whole time.

She was there for– – She’s just big and naked. She like being big and naked. – I seen you, yeah. I seen you. – And she had like a– she had those like… she had that tape over her nipples and she was wearing a fishnet thing.

Here’s the thing, I didn’t know who she was yet. – Did they use the black tape they use for like sets and shit? – Yeah. – Electrical tape? – Moleskin. What do they call it? – Or, no, was it the duct tape with the rope in it? – Yeah. (laughter) – The duct tape. – Yeah. The duct. – Did your– Black Lou, did your ex-girlfriend look good big? – She had a pretty face. – Oh, yeah, that’s what it is. – That’s what everybody would say. Oh, she’s got a pretty face. – Lou dated Lizzo. – That’s what I meant by did she get play as a big woman.

So, yeah, people still took her down. – Yeah. – Well– yeah. Not with you, but yeah. – Yeah, yeah. – If she woulda been like– her face wouldn’t have been that great and like she needed to rely on the body, she’s kinda like, you know what? Salads for the next ten years. – Tell you what, though, it’s gotta be weird for someone who was really big to lose a ton of weight and then have the skin thing, and like have that be a whole new problem of life where you’re like, man… – Walkin’ around, you look like a flying squirrel. – …I’ve lost 100-and-something pounds and like here I am, it looks like I’m always wearing a cape like Dame Edna walking around. – Dude, you got fuckin’ arm Play-Doh. – She brings condoms with bag clips with her. – Yeah. – I’m just gonna clip it. – She goes, I’m gonna clip up. – Dressed like Bea Ar– it looks like you’re wearing Macho Man capes.

She puts her arms out– – You ready for this shit? – Yeah. Ooh, used to weigh 350 pounds. Now I’m down to 160.

Yeah! A lot of truth. Dude, you can fuckin’… – (laughing) – (grunts) Yeah. Dude, you can put a zipper on the end and she can zip you in.

She just be like, zzz. – You’re a human Macho Man cape. – Yeah. – Yes! – She’s got Ashley on the back of her. It’s bedazzled. – Ashley. – Yeah. Number one, yeah. Too big to hold, too tiny to fit. (laughter) You’re lookin’ at what happens when a big girl goes small.

Ah, yeah. All the extra skin in the world. Enough to make a couple pizzas. Just dough arms. – Oh my God. – Just fucking grabbing… – Just looks like St.

Bernard jowels, her hips. – (panting) – Oh my God, like Beethoven porn. – Fucking basset hound belly. – Yeah, yeah, dude, just fucking, just drool coming out. – Motherfuck, it’s so weird. It’s like, you’re wearing a baggy sweatshirt with nipples and a belly button. – What happens if you get that surgery to take your skin off, right? – You can do that? – Yeah, no, they do do it. – It’s a zapper, they zap it off. – You have to kind of get– – With a fly zapper? – Laser, I think a laser. – No, no, no, no. – No, they cut. – They cut it off and sew you back up. But you’re gonna… oh dude, that’s crazy. – There it is. – He look like Zoidberg. – But you’re going to have– – Zoidberg! I’m Zoidberg, hello. I’m losing it all.

Oh no, I’ve lost– I mean, look at that. That girl on the left, you’re like, got it! And then she takes it off, you’re like, what’d you do? – Bam-ba-bam, wow. – That’s crazy. – If you don’t say that‘s happening under there before you fuck, you should be able to hit her. – That’s entrapment. – You should be allowed to hit her, I’m sorry. – Yeah, that is… – Look like a wet comforter. – And I’m not for hitting on women, but you’ve put me in a position. – That’s a wet comforter right there. – Yeah, dude, what happens when you– so when you get the surgery. – Stay fat, man. – If you get the surgery… wait, go back up. There’s a dude whose stomach in the middle was crazy. Down there, down, bottom, to the left, right there. – Yeah, what the fuck. – Dude, when you… when you get that surgery… – No, the surgery, it does– but here’s the thing, you will have scars forever.

But I mean, you’d rather just have those scars. – Just get some tattoos over ’em. – But my question is– yeah, you have to get tattoos over it. – But you have to get– but they cut– sometimes they cut off like… – A lot. – 20-some, 30 pounds of skin on people. – What do they do, do they give it to kids with cleft lips? – They should! – Yeah, just patch… just do a light patch over. – That’s a nice donation. That is a donation. – Spackle in. – Give some parts. Oh hi, I didn’t see you come in there. I’m Dan Soder.

I’m Big Jay Oakerson. We’re from The Bonfire on Comedy Central radio Sirius XM 95. Make sure you watch our videos every Thursday on Comedy Central YouTube. Fresh, exclusive, visual.

Titillating.

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